


The Faults of Our Father

by runawaydirtbag



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Leo Needs a Hug, Leo-centric - Freeform, Mental Anguish, Splinter is a bad father, he's also dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25676377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runawaydirtbag/pseuds/runawaydirtbag
Summary: Splinter did a lot of things right, however, there were plenty he did horribly wrong.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50





	The Faults of Our Father

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another oneshot from my sleep deprived mind. Not canon compliant but there are elements from the 2012 ‘verse.
> 
> TW for childhood sexual abuse & rape/non-con (nothing graphic, just mentioned)

It’s a beautiful day, the kind where Leo can imagine sitting out in the yard and meditating with his father. The sky is a clear, calming shade of blue. There’s a light breeze flowing through the tree tops and long grass that keeps the heat of the blazing sun at bay. Birds are chirping and squirrels are chasing each other around trees.

Yeah, it’s a beautiful day. And yet, Leo will never share a day like this with his father. Of course, now that they finally have the farm, the only safe haven they’ve ever been able to find away from the city, his father is dead. They never even got to just sit out in the sun together.

His brothers are inside, helping April and Casey get things set up for the next couple of weeks. Leo should go help them, it’s been hours since they put the last of the dirt on Splinter’s grave, but he just can’t leave yet.

His mind is a jumble of confused thoughts. He’s unbearably sad that his father, his only parental figure, is gone, but thoughts of relief creep in amongst the grief. He knows he shouldn’t feel that way. It’s sick of him to feel even the smallest bit of happiness that Splinter is dead, but it lingers nevertheless. 

He wishes that this wasn’t how things ended. He loved his father, he still does, but then his mind tells him that that’s what’s sick. How could anyone love their abuser? Why does he feel guilty for being relieved that he won’t be hurt anymore? Shouldn’t he scream at the world and laugh and cry that it’s over, it’s finally over? 

He had confided in Donnie on their way to the farm, his brothers sleeping on the floor of the van and April and Casey caught up in their own hushed conversation. He told Donnie that he was feeling guilt, without disclosing exactly why of course, but Donnie kept telling him that what he was feeling is survivor’s guilt and that it’s normal. 

But it's not just that... there's guilt that has been in his chest ever since it started. Why didn't he reach out? Even now, when his abuser is dead, why can't he confide in his brothers? 

He knows he shouldn't feel guilty about something like that. He didn't create a monster, he survived one.

So Leo lets Donnie try his best to console him over something he isn’t really feeling because he can never tell his brothers the truth. The only person he can talk to about this is still in New York, trying to cope with being mutated into a snake and healing from her own past.

For now, here he sits at his father’s graveside, trying and failing to understand his warring emotions.

His mind flashes with a myriad of memories, some good, but mostly bad. He remembers the day Splinter’s hands wandered too far… He remembers the fear accompanied by an overwhelming sense of trust, because he really, truly did trust his father.

He remembers the pride in Splinter’s eyes when he named Leo leader and the warm sensation of success and achievement. He was an excellent student and he was named leader, not one of his brothers. 

He remembers crying when it hurt and the quiet voice above him whispering soothing words; the feel of careful hands caressing him.

He remembers celebrating countless mutation days and holidays, the absolute joy and excitement those days brought; the peace they brought.

He remembers the betrayal and anger when he finally realized that this isn’t right, this isn’t how fathers treat their sons.

He remembers the good job’s and I am so proud of you’s that made his heart swell.

He remembers the embarrassment when his brothers asked too many questions about strange bruises or made fun of his mood swings.

He remembers meditating and enjoying the rare moments of silence with his father.

He remembers the despair and hopelessness when he realized there was nothing he could do.

There’s so many memories… and now… that’s all he has. He can never yell and scream at his father. He can never demand to know why. He can never express the hurt and distrust and damage and outrage and…. and the excruciating heartbreak.

Distantly, Leo notices that there are tears running down his face, making his vision blurry, and that it’s getting harder to breath. His hands curl into fists on top of his knees and his eyes wander down to the few photos set before the headstone.

There, on the left, is a man and his wife, both holding their beautiful daughter. There’s a kindness to the man’s eyes, something that Leo only ever saw when Splinter looked upon Karai. 

On the far right is a photo of him and his brothers. They’re all smiling. When Leo first saw the photo, he wondered how his family didn’t notice the strain in his face, the obvious fake smile. He knows that his brothers cherish this photo, but he hates it and the memories that it brings.

Then, lastly, in the center of the photos, is one of just Splinter as a mutated rat. This photo, the one that Leo is staring at with blurred vision and trembling lips is the one that hits him the hardest.

Here is the man that raised him, the man that loved him, and the man that damaged him beyond repair.

His eyes are soft here, a slight smile tugging on his mouth, and maybe Leo is imagining it, but he swears that within those eyes is a secret; a secret that only Leo truly knows.

The sound of grass crunching and the shuffling of feet alert Leo to the presence of one of his brothers. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and tries to appear like he hasn’t just been bawling… he knows he isn’t very convincing.

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see that it’s Raphael. The feeling of a hand resting gently on his shoulder is both comforting and unsettling.

“I know… I miss him too,” Raph says in a rare moment of vulnerability.

And Leo can only nod in response because, yes, he does miss him, but then again he also wishes this had happened far sooner.

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes, I wonder about Splinter…
> 
> This fic explores Leo’s feelings after the death of Splinter, his abuser. Of course he loves his father, but at the same time, he hates him with every fiber of his existence and those are two very difficult feelings to handle.


End file.
